the importance of being friggin terrible

I've been taking singing lessons on and off since 2010. Mostly off, if I'm honest.

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I started in opera, studied classical for a while, and now I'm tits-deep in Speech Level Singing- and I'm just awful at it y'all.

I'm not a terrible singer in general, but I learned when I was a kid by singing Disney songs, sea shanty's, and Irish ballads to myself. As a result, I have what you might call a "Disney Princess" singing voice. I never learned to use my lower register, which is of course what I speak in. Since I use my speaking voice all the time, you think that'd come naturally.

I am here to tell you that it does NOT. I had a lesson yesterday, and the whole thing was so frustrating I got that tightness in my throat that happens when you really want to frustrated-cry but NO I'M NOT GOING TO CRY I'M IN A SINGING LESSON. My poor teacher patiently kept leading me through exercises, hearing the cracks everywhere but trying to be supportive while I fought my way through the Desert of Suck.

Did you think I was going to end this story with how I emerged triumphant? Nope. I sucked the whole way, to the bitter end when she told me to keep trying.

It was one of those moments when I know with a piercing certainty that I'm living a moment I tell my students about and coach them through all the time. That moment in time when you are trying really hard but you're still pretty bad and not succeeding at the thing. When you're in the Desert of Suck, many will choose to quit because honestly yes it does suck, but this moment is entirely necessary to everything that comes next.

Intellectually, this is not difficult to grasp. It's elementary, even. But in practice, in the humiliating experience of that blasted period of time, it takes fortitude to meet that. It shouldn't be underestimated, the toll that the suck will take out of you. That's the Muse extracting her price for your genius. And the Muse WILL have her way with you.

I've been in this moment a great deal. Being an artist means I've trained in lots of disciplines, and I've been terrible at every single one of them. But there's something about singing that's extra cringe. I can fall on my face in a movement studio and laugh it off- I'm used to that playing field. I'm comfortable with my flaws in a dance studio, or a circus space. But singing (terribly) in my own office (and I KNOW manflesh can hear me) is sooo much harder. It's a new humility. I don't like it, but I know it's necessary if I want what's on the other side.

And I wants it.

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​The Audacity Project attracts a lot of what I'll call "Recovering Perfectionists". Perfectionism is an insidious demon, wearing a suit that they bought from High Expectations but secretly what they actually want is for you to quit and do nothing at all. And it works really well. They're battle cry is If you can't be great at something, why bother?

You could just as easily ask "if you're not learning anything, why bother?" but we usually don't. In western culture we tend to use "perfectionist" as a lauded title, but to me that is nothing to be proud of. High standards? Absolutely. Meticulous? Go on with your bad self. Perfectionist? Don't try to act like that's a good thing. It's not.

If you, too, are in the Desert of Suck, or have experienced lately one of those frustrating moments, I'm here to stand next to you. It's awful, but also, it's wonderful. What an experience in this meaty mortal coil it is to learn a discipline and to suck at it! Just another day in service of the Muse...

If you need a bolster, remember that the Desert of Suck is wide, but it's not deep. The only way out is through, and the only way to ensure you never get out is to stand still. Keep moving. Keep sucking. Be terrible. Fail up.

So here's to you and here's to me, paying the tolls and making a huge disgusting mess along the way. :)

Don't go back to sleep.

xoRachel

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ps. I'm going live on Thursday at 1pm on the Grams to answer FAQ on The Audacity Project, which is enrolling this week only. I would challenge you to find any other container better suited for making huge messes in service of the best within yourself. If you're curious whether or not you are a good fit for the program, I'm happy to give you my 2 cents. You can come to the live, or book a call with me at the link below, I'd love to talk to you and point you the right direction (wherever that leads!).

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